CREATIVE WRITING
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." - Oscar Wilde
Transcript: This I Believe: I believe that the things that seem like they will break us make us. I was always shy; after falling in and out of friend groups, I never felt like I was good enough. I could never seem to fit in; some girls I sat with would be popular and party. Another group I tried would be overly studious and hardly talk to me. I was tired of feeling isolated and excluded; it was exhausting. I eventually found my way into the bathroom upstairs, away from the overcrowded lunchroom where I could not find my niche. Eating lunch in the bathroom every day, I started to blame myself; maybe it was my hair? Were my hips too wide? I did mature much quicker… Maybe it was the way I dressed. Maybe if I were skinnier, did the things they did, talked like they talked… they would like me more.
During this time, I was studying late into the night, stressing out about my upcoming tests and trying to be the best in my martial arts career. My karate instructor always told me to push myself past my pre-set limitations. So I slowly started to remove things from my diet. I began to dwell on every single packaging label, the ounces of water I drank, the breakdown of my calories, what exercises I was doing that day and my overall appearance. I started to train for a half marathon, and this training began to kill me as my restrictive diet took a turn for the worse. To sum it up, I broke down. My heart rate was below forty. My nails were brittle, face sunken in. I was diagnosed with anemia and on numerous supplements. I was sent to treatment for four months after being diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and body dysmorphia. Slowly, I started to battle the monster inside of me that told me I was worthless. Battling ed, my nickname for my eating disorder, was and continues to be, the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. The re-feeding process was slow and painful. Saying goodbye to my mother when she left me at impatient was traumatic. The endless needles and Gatorade and Boost were becoming normal. Trying to understand the way I felt about myself sitting in my therapist’s office was initially impossible. I thought it was simple: I did not want to eat. But a common misconception about eating disorders is that it is NOT about the food. I found myself on a spiritual journey that revolutionized my way of life. I trusted in God and met so many lifelong friends of many different genders, ethnicity, and with different disorders. Treatment taught me that I am not alone and that my eating disorder is NOT my purpose. I am more than a number. Eating won’t kill me, not eating will. After treatment, I became who I truly am: a loud, rambunctious Italian/Greek with lots of opinions and lots of confidence. More so, I made friends that care about me and that support me in my recovery. I met a boy at 202 WaWa that I fell in love with, and who brings out the best in me. I have healed my family strains that my eating disorder caused, and I am able to eat again. I am able to enjoy food, and I am able to do things I love like volunteering at the Brandywine Valley SPCA and helping rescues find their forever homes. I am able to advocate for animal rights, mental health awareness, and promote body positivity. I am able to expand my faith and focus in class and be a person without having to cave to the loud and selfish voice of Ed. I know that my eating disorder has permanently shaped my life and made me into who I am today. Without my hardships, I would probably still be soul-searching, never have met my boyfriend, made the friends I have, or be as confident in my voice and actions as I am today.
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About the author.I love creative writing, especially poetry and short narratives. I hope expand my career as a poet and to always be reading something. Archives
April 2019
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